Fast forward several years, especially the years where most aforementioned cards met tragic demises in the Fellowes cross-cut paper shredder. What those years taught me was not to be afraid of credit cards, but rather how to exploit them in order to get things for free. There are three steps to getting free things with credit cards: 1) Obtain a “rewards” card that accumulates points for every dollar you spend; 2) Use that card for everything you purchase, as practical; and 3) Pay off the balance each month so you never pay interest fees.

My first “rewards” card accrued points towards MGM-Mirage resorts in Las Vegas. I used my card for everything: bills, insurance, groceries, restaurants, cat dentist, flights… you name it. When I’d visit Las Vegas, I’d have coupon certificates for hundreds of dollars, usable at any MGM-Mirage resort. (Room upgrades, shows, dancing elves, buffet pigouts, etc.) When the stock market crashed in 2008, Las Vegas suffered, and the sponsoring bank soon cancelled that program. My card was transitioned to a generic rewards program, where I could use points towards products or services using a rewards shopping website. Meh. Since then, I had nearly forgotten about the points, but still used my card religiously.

Fast forward to three weeks ago, when I decided I should probably learn French for a trip to Europe I’m taking next year. In high school, I managed to earn a D+ in Spanish through lack of studying and trying to use Dos Equis as a verb on my Final. This taught me that my learning style (or lack of) does not easily cater to absorbing a new language unless it involves restaurant menus.

“Hmm… I see these commercials for Rosetta Stone.  Maybe I should look into that.”

I looked into it. The complete 5-Level French pack retails for $499. Ce sont des cornichons cher!  But they claim it’s a new way of learning–so unlike my high school experience. So unlike matching words on restaurant menus to their pictures. It was worth a shot, so I scoured the Internet for coupons, deals, and promotions. Nothing. And that’s when I remembered this credit card and the 100,000+ points I have been accruing over the past several years.

Sure enough, the bank’s shopping website was affiliated with  Best Buy, and a simple product search revealed I had enough points to not only obtain Rosetta Stone French 1-5, but German or Italian as well.

It arrived on my doorstep a week later.  Total cost to me: $0–for simply using my credit card for things I would have bought anyway using some other method.  I’m only in my second lesson so far, but already I’ve got the skills to identify a  Frenchman swimming or eating an apple.

Au revoir!

Time. Understand that everything you do is based on TIME.  You have 60 seconds to attain the best score possible, so the key is to manipulate the various features of the game to maximize your score within those 60 seconds. (I know, DUH.) But keep this in the back of your mind. It’s all about time.

Today. Look at what DAY it is. Every Tuesday, your score resets. So if it’s Monday and you’re flooded with opportunities to use the Moonstone or Phoenix premium features, decide if you want to get a super high score only to have it disappear in a few hours. If you’re playing for the “coins” and you have many other friends who play Bejeweled Blitz, then you might care. If you’re just looking for bragging rights, then why spend coins on the premium features when they’ll disappear in a few hours? You’ll notice that you may get more offers for Moonstone, Phoenix, etc., the closer Tuesday appears. This is to eat up your coins. Coincidence?  COINcidence?

Coins.  Coins allow you to buy premiums and “Boosts.” Don’t waste your coins on boosts unless you get a premium offer. It’s like being offered an upgrade to a First Class flight for the last 10 minutes of your flight. Save your coins and let them ADD to an existing premium offer. That being said, play Bejeweled Blitz often, and conserve your coins, spending them on Boosts when you think you’ll get the most “bang for your buck.”  Play EVERY DAY, enough to grab your Free Spin so you can keep collecting coins.

Should you BUY more “spins” to add coins? It’s up to you. If you have extra Facebook Credits or want to pay by credit card, that’s your choice. Just remember to exercise those coins strategically. If you play every day and use the “Free Spin” feature, you can get up to 1,000,000 coins. I’ve done this a couple of times already.

Boosts.  Which Boosts to choose?  I use Boosts only in conjunction with the premium offers, and it depends on the offer. A Moonstone causes more matches, so I don’t use the Mystery Gem (because I’m more likely to get matches which will induce a Mystery Gem). I’ll buy a Bonus Multiplier, +5 Seconds, and Scrambler. A Phoenix, however, will trigger on various matches, so I’ll use a Mystery Gem, +5 Seconds, and Bonus Multiplier. I won’t use a Scrambler because the Phoenix generally scrambles enough for me. See how that works? It’s all about time, so ALWAYS buy the +5 Seconds Boost, but use the others depending on the premium offered. You decide, depending on what you think is most beneficial for your premium offer.

Multipliers.  The “2x 3x 4x etc.” multipliers occur when a single move eliminates 12 or more jewels (I believe). This may affect your decision to buy a Bonus Multiplier when a premium is offered, and you should try to protect your multipliers during gameplay. The more you have, and the higher the multipliers… $$$$$

Play Now. Now, how to actually play… When you click “Play Now” to start the game, what do you do?  Try to avoid matching only 3 jewels. No!!! Avoid the temptation to match JUST ANYTHING!  It’s better to waste a few seconds in planning than to frantically match 3 gems at a time. Yes, you will get the speed bonus, but that’s small compared to the other matching bonuses.

First, try to match 5 in a straight line so you get the twirling Mystery Gem.Examine surrounding gems to see if you can manipulate them into forming 5 in a straight line.

Okay, you have a Mystery Gem. Now what?  Choose the gem that appears the most so they’re removed, right? WRONG! The goal is to always try to make more Mystery Gems or Crosses or L’s, which will wipe out more gems, which will (possibly) create more Multipliers for you.

ALWAYS try to get the most gems aligned to provide the highest special feature. Remember, a sparkling gem (I don’t know the official name for it) will wipe out both horizontal and vertical rows, which will almost always give you a new Multiplier gem and increase the “x” value of existing Multiplier gems. So if you can’t get 5 in a row, try to get 5 in a “cross” or “L” pattern to give you a new sparkling gem.

Oh yeah… remember the “5 in a row” Mystery Gem? Don’t choose whatever you have MOST of. You use the Mystery Gem to choose your choice of any gem that’s adjacent to it, but choose wisely.  If you choose the most populous gem, then you’re back to a various board of gems, which doesn’t help you. Select the 2nd or 3rd most popular gem and wipe those out… that will keep your most popular gem on the board, thus allowing more “5 in a row” or “cross” or “L” matches of that more popular gem. Keep the most popular gem on the board at all times to maximize your opportunities for bigger matches, not the “3 in a row” matches. This is perhaps the most important tip here.

Summary:  You don’t want to keep matching every 3 you can, because it’s better to get “4 in a row” which blow up and “5 in a row” which produce Mystery Gems or “Crosses” or “L’s” which will blow up and likely produce Multiplier gems. The more you blow up, the more chances at getting Multipliers. But also keep in mind that you can get a speed bonus based on TIME, and if you wait too long, you lose your time bonus. So it’s a balance. ALWAYS try to match 4, 5, Cross, or L, but if you don’t see anything, quickly go for the “3 in a row” to keep the speed bonus in hopes that it produces more 4, 5, Cross, or L gems.

Premiums.  From what I’ve seen so far, there’s the Cat’s Eye, the Moonstone, and the Phoenix. The Phoenix rocks. If you get it, always buy Boosts to amplify your score, as this Boost is the best to raise your score. I forget how it works exactly, but it wipes out diagonal streams of jewels when you match 3 or more that involves the flashing Phoenix jewel. Because it wipes out jewels diagonally in 4 directions, it almost always creates a Multiplier and increases existing Multipliers. It’s not uncommon to have a few “6x” multipliers – the highest. The Cat’s Eye causes a “cat” to wipe out a number of jewels (based on a random multiplier, I think) after your board’s gameplay ends.  The Moonstone causes jewels to fall so more matches occur during gameplay.

Noting this, you will want to use Boosts differently. If the Moonstone already provides better matches, don’t worry about buying a Mystery Gem, as you’ll get more sparkling gems, and those will wipe out your Mystery Gems and likely create Mystery Gems anyway. Apply this knowledge towards use of other Boosts similarly.

 Finally…

And that’s what I’ve found so far. If you’ve found this useful, drop me a note. And enjoy Bejeweled Blitz!

So when the coupon came in the mail for one of those expensive specialty foo-foo beauty shops, I jumped on the chance to have an expert sell me an overpriced tub of “the look.” As I entered Foo-Foo, I was immediately greeted by the teenage expert with the awkward, yet familiar, “you’re a man and you don’t belong here” smile.  We soon became friends by the time we passed the curling irons, once she realized I had rudimentary knowledge of hair care products and wasn’t merely purchasing a gift card. After we talked shop about body, volume, sheen, and hold, she settled on the perfect product, which was a type of wax.  It wasn’t too glossy and it wouldn’t dry out, flake, or melt in the heat. Wrap it up!

At this time, I should probably mention that while I was playing in the Disneyland of mop tops, I completely forgot about my own personal Merlin that I regularly see at Sleeping Beauty’s Castle:  Lisa.  I drive 75 miles to see my stylist. She’s THAT good. But she wouldn’t recommend the products they carried at her salon, so I was on my own to find something drier than a gel and less glossy than a pomade. She recommended a cross between a wax and a gel. The product that Foo-Foo girl recommended seemed to fit that bill.

It was a new day in the bathroom. The sun was shining as I unscrewed the lid of this new waxy wonder.  It went on perfectly, not too wet, not too dry, and not too glossy.  Hurrah! Until I washed off the residue from my hands.  Or at least tried to.  Oops.  My stylist warned me to get something “water based,” which I happened to forget when Foo-Foo Tinkerbell was flying through the sky amidst the fireworks.  Main ingredient: petrolatum – aka “BP in a jar.” It didn’t wash off.

That day, I had perfect hair. And that evening, after I showered, shampooed, and shampooed again, I still had perfect hair. I went to bed with perfect hair and woke up with perfect hair. My pillow was smoking a cigarette. For a couple of days, I functioned on a “tease and go” principle, simply tweaking my hair into form without effort.  It eventually did wash out.  I miss the convenience of “tease and go,” but my hair felt nappy, like someone was going to crack a couple of eggs on my head and sizzle up some breakfast.  Come to think of it, I should have mixed it with the pomade that smelled like bacon.

As I delicately sliced off a scrap of my medium-rare tri-tip roast, my attention was distracted by a nearby couple, certainly not delicately slicing anything but my nerves.  It was actually a woman and her young daughter.  A thin, white cord connected Mom’s earphones to her phone, and every few minutes, she entertained a new call.  Social calls, not necessarily between bites.  She stared straight ahead at Daughter, who was entertaining herself with a coloring book.  Between calls, she’d talk to Daughter, and they appeared to have a normal conversation… for about three minutes at a time.  What I found interesting was that the daughter could tell when the call stopped, even though Mom remained in her comatose, forward-looking pose.  It was difficult for me to identify the segues, but somehow Daughter was all too familiar with the behavior.  I found it sad that this was probably considered “quality time” between Mom and Daughter.  At least it wasn’t McDonald’s.

I’m not sure why I dread Blockbuster so much, but I do.  Every time I go in, I feel like I’m walking through a Goodwill thrift store wearing a tuxedo, and someone I know will point and say, “Haha! You’re RENTING! Go back to 1988, VHS Boy!” It just seems so dirty to me.  Unethical. So non-vogue.  Besides that, they never have the actual movie you’re looking for, unless you’re into farting, burping, teen starlet comedies, of which they have several copies of each.  I refuse to rent them, not only because they’re mind-numbingly atrocious, but because they reek of teen farts and burps.

The movie in question was Rope, which is more than a mere classic from Alfred Hitchcock.  Hitchcock was known for producing some low budget films that didn’t look low budget.  35mm film stock comes in reels of 1000 feet.  At 90 feet per minute, this gives the director approximately eleven minutes of film per reel.  The way the story goes, Hitchcock ran each reel to its full eleven minutes so as to avoid having a few seconds of unused (wasted) film at the end.  Every eleven minutes, he either faded to black at calculated moments or deliberately placed black objects in the camera’s path so as to allow the next reel to seamlessly splice in and pick right up.  Genius, considering the precision timing involved.

Blockbuster? Oh, they didn’t have Rope.  But they did have another Hitchcock classic, Lifeboat. There I stood, waiting in line next to parents holding farting, burping comedies for their teens who, incidentally, were still at home, too embarrassed to be seen in a Blockbuster with their parents.  Years ago, I would be hiding my passé movie selection from the others, dodging random snickers.  Classics?  Grandpa’s movies? This was business, though, which now takes on a “cooler” context.  And that’s when the sales droid amused me…

DROID:  Oh, your card is expired.  For fifteen dollars, I can renew it for a year.  Actually, for ten, since this first one is free!

ME: Yeah, I only come in once a year.  Renew? Can’t I just rent it without the big renewal thing?

DROID: Yes, for $5.47, but you can renew it for ten.  And it’s good all year!

ME: Look, I’m a producer and just need to watch it for a film study. And you didn’t have the exact movie I needed anyway, so this one will have to do.  Normally I’d get it mailed from Netflix, but I need to watch it this weekend.  I only come in once a year, so I don’t need a subscription.  And I already feel dirty for coming here. And old. And unloved.

DROID: But it’s only four dollars more.

*crickets*

ME: Here’s six dollars. Knock yourself out.

This explains why they’ve closed the other Blockbusters, and why this one survives only as a backup to depleted garage sale inventory.

As a writer, I always carry a pen around, so I’m easily able to scribble whenever I have free time like this. As a disorganized writer, I hadn’t thought of taking my current screenplay with me for editing. I improvise with napkins, making sure to tear off the bottom half-inch that bears the Starbucks copyright statement.

Ahh, the world is my napkin, and I am but a felt pen, bleeding into the papercloth. Rorschach would be proud.

I have friends who smoke.  Being one who frequents Las Vegas, the smoker’s mecca, I’ve grown accustomed to being around smoke on occasion.  I’ve yet to encounter a rude smoker who deliberately wishes to offend me by smoking; smoke is just a byproduct of a nasty habit.  (Their words, not mine.)  When walking down the street, on occasion, I’ll catch a whiff of smoke from a passerby.  Mildly offensive, but tolerable, and certainly not worth the effort to dwell on the incident.  I’m guilty, on occasion, of emitting my own offensive odors.  It’s just something we all tolerate as living in a diverse society.  Now imagine walking down that street, but there’s a person facing you while walking backwards, blowing billowing smoke from a cigar directly in your face, forcing filth into your lungs.  That would be a telemarketer.

So I receive a call at work; the Caller ID denotes a toll-free number, and anyone calling my workplace from a toll-free number is going to be a telemarketer.  Instead of getting the usual monotone droid on the line, the discussion went something like this:

Me: Hello?
Droid: <long pause>
Me: Hello?
Droid: Uhh… hi.  It’s not coming up.
Me: What?
Droid: My computer is supposed to come up but it crashed.
Me: Who are you?
Droid: It won’t even tell me who I called. I’m not sure–
Me: <now panicking> Oh.  Oh no!
Droid: Can you wait for a sec–
Me: Oh no!!  This is bad.  Really bad. What do I do?
Droid: I’m sorry sir.
Me: Oh no! It’s broken?  What do we do? I don’t know what to do!
Droid: I’ll have to call back.
Me: Help!! Help!! Oh no!
<click>

I actually might have been in the mood to buy something that day, too.

It’s understandable that some may see us as more of a nuisance than a benefit to society.  For those Scrooges, realize we keep electricity affordable for everyone.  The way I see it, the electric company relies on our air conditioners and pool pumps during the summer.  During the winter… nothing.  Our rates would skyrocket if it weren’t for us pulling extra power to light up our inflatable purple dinosaurs.

I was late getting my lights up last year.  This year, my neighbors are requiring me to submit plans and technical drawings by the end of October.  It’s unspoken, but it appears there’s a committee.  They’ve been picking my brain since June, trying to get a hint as to what I’m planning, but the only thing I tell them is, “Why do you always show up at my door holding baseball bats?”  Mums the word.